LOVE to VIOLENCE:

In the introduction (previous post: ‘LOVE and VIOLENCE’), I set up the background for the subject in question. Again, can love and violence coexist? We’ll now try to experience it through a story.

The illustration below is not my story, however, it’s the combined story of two women but I’m sure of many more. 1 in 3 women have experienced violence but let’s remember, 1 in 7 men experience it too. Also, 1 in 3 victims of DV are men and we know men are twice as likely to hide the abuse they suffer for various reasons. I have gone through some testimonies from men too and damn, don’t be fooled, women are as ruthless as it gets. Let’s get into it.

He was handsome, charismatic, smart, funny, and the perfect gentleman. He swept me off my feet with his gifts and offers as soon as we met. He loved me, no, idolised me. I was his life and nothing was more important. It was intense, some have called it ‘love bombing’. It was the 3rd date when I mentioned in passing, something about my ex, that he slammed the table and violently grabbed my arm. You can imagine my surprise and confusion. “That’s unacceptable! No way I’m I letting him get away with this.” I tell myself while in the bathroom as I had excused myself. We don’t even know each other well enough. Good riddance! Only, when I return to the table to say goodbye. He’s sorry, he was just jealous but “it will never happen again.” He accompanies his pleas with a gift (extravagant) and says he’s in love with me. Could it be? I believe him. He had surely mastered the art of seduction. I forgive him: it’s the first and last time… it’s not. This is how I stumbled into a crazy kind of love.

The tension intensified as his moods kept changing. Being human, I began to adapt. “What can I do to brighten up his moods today?” … There was nothing I could do. He would still punch me in the face or slam me against the wall more and more. What could I have done to upset him? I must have done something, right? He’s sorry; I’m sorry; I made him do it, he said. “This is how I react to jealousy or when I get upset or stressed. You just don’t understand, it’s my nature.” This goes on for a time and I gently slip away into the delusion. But, I don’t know this yet. I’m a strong woman in love with a troubled soul and I’m the only one that can help. He loves me, right?… I’m addicted; trapped.

Slowly but surely, in the thick of rage, fists, kicks, the knife, threats; I realise I don’t actually love him. I’m just fearful. As he becomes bolder in his threats, the bolder I become of leaving. He thinks I’ll never leave or tell because at this point, I have said it before but never followed through; until I did. Afraid but I leave. Afraid that he’ll find me and kill me or maybe that I’ll go back to him. Still, I had obtained courage from my experience with him; I use it to tell my story and I do not go back.

(More than 50% of women are killed after leaving!)

I understand how people can say love and violence can coexist. I see the plausibility in case violence is caused by social learning and social pressures and I think these are the people that seek intervention. Sadly, even after intervention about a third go on to repeat the violence and over half, with the same victim. By the way, remember previous violent behaviour is a risk factor. In the case of personalities, I mean the dark triad (Narcissism, Machiavellianism, Psychopathy and Sadism), I strongly believe, they cannot coexist. First, the one thing they all have in common is high disagreeableness. Second, it’s about power and control for these. My worry is that these personalities are increasing in my/our society for whatever reason. The advice we get is to steer clear and that if you find yourself in a relationship with one, run. We all know it’s easier said than done because our personalities and other factors also play a part.

So, what do we do?

Also read previous post👇

LOVE and VIOLENCE: From passion to pain