In ‘Love to Violence’ (previous post), we left it at: What do we do? i.e., with regards to leaving a violent romantic relationship being easier said than done and most especially in the case of personality style. I still hold that separation is the solution; however, there are times when this is not possible or plausible in good time. I don’t grasp how you can live with someone violent towards you forever but it happens more often than not. Do you take self defence classes? Do you just take the assault until you leave or cease to live? I think most people choose the latter. I don’t see many options. I’m not a pro, but I think, we may at least approach this from the inside out i.e., from the emotional side; because we know with certainty that violent behaviour in a relationship (beyond romantic) cannot be divorced with emotional abuse and I think that’s why emotional abuse is sometimes included as a type of violence.
I consulted the work of Dr. Ramani who is an expert on Narcissism and whatever I’m about to say here is purely based on her work as a clinical psychologist. I particularly love her work not only because she has the long practice but also because she has experienced narcissistic abuse so she brings to the table empathy which arguably makes her a great person to advise us. Jumping in!
Healing Process:
- Radical acceptance– This is understanding and accepting that the person and the relationship dynamics will no change; it doesn’t mean that you won’t feel the pain or hurt. The peak of acceptance is knowing that, “it is not my fault.”
One major hindrance to acceptance, believe it or not, is hope. Many people stick around due to the hope of the violent/abusive partner changing, waiting for an apology, to feel loved by them,. Holding on to hope takes away our psychological resources that would otherwise be used in healing. Some don’t even know they have these personality types nor do they care, and there’s nothing we can do to change that. It becomes less personal (blaming ourselves) when we accept this. It’s not fair or just, I know. We feel the sense of injustice, particularly after we leave and the ex goes on with their life; they get the promotion, have great friends, the new hot/younger/etc., girl/boyfriend, get married sooner etc. We feel like we want justice and closure: You will not get it! It’s hard and this is one reason why people stay, or get stuck ruminating without getting a solution even after leaving, ending up in depression.
- Grieving– Pausing time and allowing yourself to experience the loss of hope, the beautiful narrative you had created, a future, of a sense of belonging and more. This mostly happens after one leaves a relationship and it doesn’t mean that you don’t still love or yearn for a part of them nor, you’re not afraid of the future nor, angry for instance when they get to seemingly move on without consequence. More often than not, you will have lingering feelings because you had good times too. The amazing thing I learnt is that you can grief while still in the relationship and the outcome is the same. It will be bumpy at times but smooth for the most part. People get stuck here so it’s crucial to understand the process and be kind to yourself.
Actionable points:
While in the relationship, take time to recharge after emotional and violent interactions like taking a walk, etc. Keep a list of instances of emotional abuse. It helps to identify patterns, and will keep you from euphoric recall: Confusion and not understanding what’s going on is what leads to rumination, Dr Ramani advises talking about it, preferably to a pro as your friends will not be as patient and guiding. After leaving, she advises an year cleanse, (if the relationship was under an year, the cleanse should be as long as the relationship lasted) no flirting, no dating, no sex, no nothing. Those who follow through have come out more stable, still hurting and struggling but didn’t succumb. This should help with reclaiming your sense of self; values, judgement, which is usually lost in such relationship dynamics.
The beautiful thing is once you are on the other side, you will be transformed to be clever, tough, resilient, full of discernment.
Let’s talk BOUNDARIES! Boundaries with narcissists. They don’t seem to work, right? With them it becomes a power struggle and you cannot win in this as they have sharper tools. The secret is to create internal boundaries. Do not tell your partner and expose your weakness. They will exploit it. Examples; don’t tell them, “this is offending me…” Do not engage, you may displace yourself. If you had plans and they’re late, go on without them. If you have to fight them, choose your most important battles and compromise wisely, because it’s going to be a lifelong struggle.
In case you have a friend with a narcissistic partner that you’d like to help, you don’t want to approach them directly attacking their partner, e.g., telling them that their partner is a narcissist, or what their doing isn’t okay etc., instead, you want to check in on them to remind them of the life they had before the partner. Say, they loved writing, you can ask, “how’s your writing going? I remember you used to love it.” Or, “I met your friend from high school, he’s…” Like leaving memory crumbs for them to trace their way back. It may not work but it’s better that the previous approach.
Note: I have taken Narcissism as an example personality type because there’s more research done on this type. In the case of psychopaths, they are more stable, cold, calculating, their lies are more elaborate and lack empathy. Consider that.
Afterwords: If you are the violent perpetrator, you need Jesus Christ😩
Anybody can change, but a narcissistic person won’t.
-Dr Ramani