Boy versus Man Masculinity

Path to King, Magician, Lover, Warrior

Boy masculinity is the immature Man masculinity. Today, there seems to be a crisis in masculinity where we see more of the boy masculinity depicted in adult men than the man masculinity, yet the latter is what we want, right? Have you heard people refer to men as boys i.e., while insinuating negative childness? I’ll admit I have done it. “That’s a man-child.” Until recently, I had never looked into the psychology behind it. In short, my mindset has shifted; thanks to Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette‘s work and Jungian archetypes. You’ll see why.

Reasons like absent fathers, scarce mature men role models, lack of ritual process to initiate man into manhood, and immature role models have overall been correctly identified as the source of the crisis. Men have been left anxious, unappreciated, helpless, frustrated and even ashamed of masculinity.

Note: Boy and man masculinity are not linear stages but should be taken as appearing in all stages of a man’s life.

To help us through this, we’ll use Archetypes which are templates representing basic human experiences and concepts that shape our behaviour, residing in the collective subconscious. How do the archetypes show up: how can you differentiate and integrate them?

Boy Masculinity Archetypes and their mature counterpart when nurtured well; Man Masculinity Archetypes.

• Divine child who matures into the Ruler/King
• Precocious child who matures into the Magician
• Oedipal child who matures into the Lover
• Hero who matures into the Warrior

i)

The divine Child

He is identified as primary archetype; the all powerful but totally fragile infant. He garners all attention and depends on adults for his needs to be met. He is the source of all the boy enthusiasm, creativity, and sense of adventure; brings in him peace and joy. He in turn uplifts and inspires other.

If not nurtured properly, the divine child can either turn to the high-chair tyrant or the weakling prince. The High-chair Tyrant is characterised by the epitome of entitlement, he’s irresponsible, arrogant and a narcissist; with pretentions of god-hood. He can’t take criticism, demands as opposed to inspiring, has unreasonable expectations, which if not met, throws tantrums. On the polar opposite, the divine child can manifest as the Weakling Prince. He’s the passive aggressor; always the ultimate victim of life (never his fault); he demands, yes but in the form of coddling as he has no enthusiasm, nor passion. Shows up as Mr. Nice guy syndrome in adults.

The shadow side alternates between explosive rage, to feigned weakness/depression. One must connect with the divine child to recognise the abundance of life, vigour, beauty, freshness and creativity.

The King

The core of all archetypes. In it’s fullness, he can access and integrate all other mature archetypes. He is centred/composed; brings order, protects others, carries blessing, has practical wisdom, brings harmony, ensures flourishing, and leaves legacy.

When absent, the man confronts the shadow selves; on one side there’s the Tyrant. He seeks to destroy. He’s insecure, like King Herod, threatened by ‘new young blood’, has no self worth so ends up belittling others and hence exposes his vulnerability. He’s the father who suppresses his children’s joy and talents via criticism, threats or abuse. He’s a narcissistic individual; is proud, lacks empathy, seeks constant attention and admiration. The Weakling is the other shadow side who projects the king ‘energy’ on others while thinking they’re still the god. He seeks admiration too, very angry and takes it out on the ‘weaker’, often paranoid, and doesn’t have transpersonal commitment.

ii)

Precocious Child– Child prodigies

Nurtured properly, he’s characterised by grace and poise, curiosity i.e., eager to learn, wants to know why and how. Pushes the boy to explore the world and develop his talents. He’s a reflective introvert who sees the hidden connections and wants to shares his knowledge, and friends seek advice from him.

The Know-it-all Trickster is the active darker side. This is where mischief (innocent or devious) arises from. He is disconnected from the divine child so he lacks the feeling of greatness and uniqueness. His insecurity and envy shows up as manipulation and deception; he tricks people into trust, enjoys intimidation and intellectual showmanship, and runs his mouth often. Good thing is that this can expose lies and inflated egos in others as he speaks where people choose not to. He’s arrogant and verbally abusive and so makes enemies often. Appearances are important to him. He has no heroes. The trickster is activated by emotional abuse and lack of validation as a child. Uncurbed, it blocks creativity and true potential. The Naïve Dummy is the passive shadow side of the Precocious child. He plays dumb to avoid effort and failure. Lacks creativity, vigour and a personality. He appears dull, unresponsive, as well as slow in learning. He is a secret know-it-all hiding his grandness because he’s too important to engage with the dumb world.

To connect with the sense of wonder, curiosity and aliveness the man must connect to this archetype.

The Magician

The alchemist of life. Seeks secret, sometimes esoteric knowledge; knowledge requiring special training and the power that accompanies mastery in using this knowledge i.e., wisdom. He’s able to see through deceit and denial through discernment. He’s reflective and people seek him out for guidance through problems and he’s happy to guide other men into this knowledge.

The active shadow is the Detached Manipulator: Uses his secret knowledge/wisdom to belittle and manipulate others to obtain power or money or both: The know-it-all trickster. Lacks passion, doesn’t commit to anything and can’t enjoy life. “This is the man who thinks too much, stands back from his life and never lives it…” On the polar passive end, we have the Innocent who is unwilling to take any responsibility of a true magician but wants the glory and power associated. Is envious of life, and will try a new idea but shortly after, drop it. He fears others discovering his lack of zest which would blow his bubble. He’s lazy so, won’t achieve his goals; and will prevent others from achieving their goals too.

iii)

Oedipal Child

The romantics. They enjoy the power of imagination and intuition; they seek to feel and experience life deeply, full of passion, wants to deeply connect with oneself and nature.

If not nurtured properly, the shadow side takes over. On one polar end is the Mama’s Boy: The ‘mother’ of immature masculinity. This shadow would take control when the father is absent or is weak. At the root of it, he senses the infinitely nurturing, good and beautiful ‘mother’- the goddess; and fantasizes about marrying her. He’s never satisfied with a real woman; he seeks one after another endlessly trying to find the immortal goddess. He avoids responsibility and intimate relationships. Most men never break away from the mama’s boy shadow and live to please their moms. Another way it can show up is via womanizing and excessive porn consumption in pursuit of the fantasy. The passive shadow is The Dreamer. The boy will retreat into passive fantasy and will cut himself off from human relationships but underlying his seclusion is his feeling of grandeur in seeking to possess the immortal goddess. The boy spends his time dreaming as opposed to acquiring the social skills needed to develop relationships.

This puts the gentle in gentleman. Connecting with oedipal child will remove the fear associated with tapping into the female energy.

The Lover

This archetype keeps the man alive and passionate: embodies the sensual and sexual experiences. When accessed properly, the man is in touch with his feelings, whether pain or pleasure, and connects with people around and nature. Freely engages in play, he’s a mystic and a creative. He seeks to be boundless while the other 3 mature archetypes seek discipline and structure.

Without proper nurturing, the man turns to the shadow bi-poles. The active pole is the Addicted Lover: A man overtaken by this shadow doesn’t impose limits on his sensual and sexual experiences. He’s only interested in collecting experiences, possessions, or women. He lives in the pleasure of the moment and is stuck in a cycle of pleasure and pain. Has no self-control and can’t detach. From the dependency on the ‘mother’, he seeks for something he can’t define. The passive counterpart is the Impotent Lover: “Depressed, flat and dead inside.” All is vanity to him. It can show up in a man who has put up excess limits, too much discipline and structures in his life.

When one accesses the lover appropriately, one feels empathy, connected, alive, enthusiastic, energized, and enjoys the pleasures of life.

iv)

The Hero

The adolescent: This is the advanced stage of development in boys where the boy is breaking away from the devouring mother (the feminine unconscious), and seeks autonomy and responsibility. He engages in risky escapades, faces challenges and life chaos head on. The hero is not fully mature though. Once the adventure is over and he get’s the princess, he doesn’t know what to do with her (the feminine within) or how to integrate her into his life. Only when he accepts this and humbles himself can he say he’s transformed into a man. Moore suggests that transformation can only come from the hero’s ‘death’.

When he fails to recognize his limitation and mortality, his downfall is sure. The active shadow is the Grandstander Bully who dominates people, has an inflated sense of self and believes he’s invulnerable, so, he takes unnecessary and stupid risks exposing himself to destruction. He will verbally and physically attack people who don’t give the respect he ‘deserves’ (a ‘Karen’ in todays language). He overcomes ‘mother’ by asserting his masculinity. On the passive pole is the Coward, who lacks the hero’s courage; doesn’t stand up for himself in any confrontation or challenge. He’s bullied and stepped upon often, he’s angrier because of this and will finally blow up as the grandstander bully does.

The Warrior

The warrior man is courageous, decisive, takes responsibility of his actions, has self-discipline, strength and skill. He is associated with aggression and violence. The warrior has been repressed nowadays as people fear the warrior’s shadow. In his fullness, along with aforementioned characteristics, he knows where and when to direct aggression, is disciplined, focused, purpose-driven; serves a higher cause aiming for something new and more virtuous. Unlike the hero who is romantically unaware and wastes energy, the warrior knows his limitations, realistically assesses his capabilities and acts decisively and precisely. The hero is loyal to himself while the warrior is loyal to something/one greater and sadly this leads to his loved ones feeling second to his duty/master.

His active shadow is the Sadist: cold and cruel; obtains pleasure from inflicting pain because of detachment. Brings the boy bully into adulthood. He fights against all that’s soft and relational. The Masochist on the other polar end, adopts self punishing behaviours and projects the warrior to others, making himself powerless. Carries the coward of boyhood into adulthood. He lets people step over him because he likes it even if he may complain about it.

Accessing the warrior correctly feels detached but warm, compassionate, and enables one to fight to make the world better for all.

The archetypes (lover, warrior, magician and king) all need each other for the man to be fully mature. Some techniques suggested to integrate the archetypes include:

• Having internal dialogues; validating and honouring the archetypes
• Consciously creating and meditating about the images of the mature archetypes
• Acting to embody the qualities of the archetype when one needs to access either of them

Mature men transcend the masculine forces of boyhood by building upon them rather than demolishing them. The enemy is not masculinity or the boy masculinity specifically, but rather the shadow versions of their archetypes. Generally, it’s recommended to separate from the mother, immerse oneself into society to overcome individual selfish needs and desires, and keep individuality at the same time. A present, mature masculine men and some rituals would easily help guide the transformation into manhood.

Manhood is different from being a man; it’s a badge of honour one must earn.

The path to Womanhood: Exploring feminine archetypes and their shadows