From Venus to Earth!

The world of difference between men and women: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray.

A sequel of a sequel (Battle of sexes: case for femininity) of a sequel (Battle of the sexes). An answer to a reader’s request. Thank you for reading.

This journey began when both the Martians and Venusians felt a kind of emptiness that only the other would fill. The martians took the first initiative to build telescopes and make the trip to Venus; a whole 119.74 million km according to wikipedia. When the Martians got to Venus, they found them waiting as they intuitively knew they were coming, and they loved and lived in harmony. It was until they moved to Earth that they forgot they were from different planets. Men mistakenly expected women to think, communicate, and respond the way they do and vice versa.

You see in Venus, venusians value love, communication, beauty and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through feelings and the quality of their relationships. Fulfillment comes through sharing and relating. They enjoy personal expression depending on feelings. The martian on the other hand, cannot grasp their value of communication and the experience of sharing. He can only understand this when it’s compared to the level of satisfaction he feels when he wins a competition, or achieves a goal. On Mars, men value power, competency, efficiency and achievement. Fulfillment comes via achieving goals: by himself. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is weakness. If he truly needs help, he will look for someone he respects. This is wisdom.

The contrast can be expressed this way; two martians go to a restaurant to discuss business/project, or to solve the food problem of shopping, cooking and washing dishes whereas two venusians go to the restaurant to nurture their relationship. On Venus, everyone studies psychology, they’re focused on personal growth, spirituality and nurturing. Intuition is their guide. Venusians express love and care by offering help to others without being asked.

To martians, it may be seen as offensive to offer advice without being asked as it will come off as she doesn’t trust his ability to do it himself. The working motto on Mars was ‘Don’t fix it unless it’s broken.’ When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels like she’s trying to fix him hence he is broken- is the message he gets. It is to him critical and unloving even though the woman is trying to care for him. All Mrs. Home improvement committee needs to know is that the suggestion, advice or criticism is appreciated as long as it is requested and timely.

My best insight from the book: martians and venusians use the same words but the words mean different things in their planets of origin. They use a different diction of meaning. For instance, when a woman says, “I’m tired, I can’t do anything”. The man, without translation may hear, “I do everything and you do nothing. You should do more. I feel helpless with you.” Translated into martian language it should be, “I have been doing a lot today. I need rest before doing anything more. I’m lucky to have your support. Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I deserve the rest?”

When the man talks, he may say, “I’m fine” or “it’s okay”. The woman may say, “but you seem upset, let’s talk” or “I want to help. I know something is bothering you, what is it?”

It’s OKAY: The woman, without translation may hear, “I’m not upset because I don’t care” or I’m not willing to share my feelings. I don’t trust you to be there for me.” It’s OKAY in Venusian language should be, “it’s okay, I can deal with my upset. I don’t need any help. Thank you.”

An example of a dialogue from the book: A woman comes home from work and wants, actually needs to share her feelings about her day.

Mary: there’s so much to do; I don’t have any time for myself.

Tom: you should quit your job. You don’t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do.

Mary: but I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice.

Tom: don’t listen to them, just do what you can.

Mary: I am! I can’t believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today.

Tom: don’t worry about, it she’ll understand.

Mary: you don’t know what she’s going through? She needs me.

Tom: you worry too much, that’s why you’re so unhappy.

Mary (angrily): I’m not always unhappy. Can’t you just listen to me?

Tom: I am listening.

Mary: why do I even bother?

Mary is left more frustrated after the conversation than she was in the beginning. She was just seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom is also frustrated because he wanted to help but his problem-solving tactics didn’t work and has no idea what went wrong. All Mr. Fix-it needed to do was listen without offering solutions. In Venus, they listen patiently and offer empathy.

Tom later learns and the next time Mary comes home and says, “there’s so much to do; I don’t have any time for myself.” He says, “sounds like you had a hard day.” When Mary says, “they expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice,” Tom says, “hmm.” When Mary says she forgot to call her aunt, Tom says, “Oh no!” When Mary says “she needs me so bad right now. I feel so bad.” Tom says, “you’re such a loving person, come here and let me give you a hug.” She will then say, “I love talking to you. Thanks for listening. I feel much better.” Both will feel better.

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they manage stress. Martians go to their caves: distant, forgetful, unresponsive, while venusians get together to talk about it. This creates a lot of friction. From work, the man wants to relax and quietly read a newspaper or play a game while the woman wants to chat about her day. So what then? Without understanding, the tension gradually becomes resentment. One thinks the other talks too much as the other feels ignored. Understanding that the man is withdrawing to feel better/relax and the woman needs to talk to feel better/relax is key as John Gray explains.

A woman being from Venus where love and care is expressed via sharing and nurturing, wrongly interprets the man going to the cave as a rejection of her love and that he doesn’t care about her since he’s not talking to her. The martian, being logical and solution-oriented, feels blamed as he does not comprehend it when the woman only wants to talk about her problems without the intention of immediately seeking solutions as opposed to feeling relief and being understood. If the woman is very upset, he feels blamed; if she’s only a little bit upset, she’s seeking advice. These are the two reasons why martians talk about problems.

When she says, you don’t care about me. The man will say, “of course I do, why else do you think I’m trying to solve this problem?” He thinks that by solving this problem, it shows he cares. But, she only needs his attention and care. When she says, “our house is just not big enough.” He hears that she is ungrateful and blames him for not providing a bigger house.

What the martians and venusians respectively need to learn is that, it’s only temporary, the feeling of blame by the venusians. They will quickly feel better, be appreciative and accepting again. Martians do not withdraw to the cave because they don’t love venusians and, sometimes it’s hard for them to give their full attention. Martians can learn the skill of listening when venusians are talking; while venusians can learn the skill of keeping quiet when the martians are distracted.

Men, do you now see why “we need to talk” shouldn’t be scary at all? And women, do you now see that men withdrawing shouldn’t be scary at all?

In the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, John Gray beautifully expresses the relationship between men and women and being a psychologist with a great clinical practice, he gives many real-life illustrations and actionable advice. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Note: All examples are from the book.

The number one complaint women have in relationship is: “i don’t feel heard.” Even this is misunderstood by men!

Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.

By supporting her need to be heard, she could support his need to be free.

-John Gray.

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